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Posted by Mrinalini

I'm almost 23 years old and I like this guy since 7 years. I'm from a middle class conservative family and love marriages aren't allowed. There's no way my parents are going to approve of him. I really don't want to think bout the future though and I want to get intimate with him. He's asked me to have sex but we haven't had it yet. And he's never forced me. Although I know there's nothing wrong in having a sexual relationship with him, I still feel tensed as I can't even think of hurting my parents in any way. I'm worried that if I get intimate with him, I'd never be able to look at my parents' faces without guilt. On the other hand, he's waited for me since quite long and though we've had serious ups and downs he's never gotten intimate with anyone else. I'd like to listen to your thoughts on this. Thank you.

Answer
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Dear Mrinalini
This is a difficult question both for you - as well as us- because one has to keep in mind the complex reality of the world beyond this discussion board. A good sex experience is that where both partners understand implications of what they are doing - feel totally comfortable - and enjoy the intimacy. As long as one partner suffers from such qualms of conscience and inner conflict, may be, it wont turn out to be a fun experience or a cherished memory. So, if you are not ready, may be you should wait. On the other hand, "no risk, no gain" too is a valid principle in life. So, you two have to decide which way you want to take your chances - and then you must also learn to be happy with your decisions. Right?
Just one last thought: what makes you sure that your parents will not approve of him? I hope, in thinking so, you are not underestimating your parents' pragmatism and their love for you...
Whatever you decide, LM supports your RIGHT to take your decisions in life!
Best wishes!

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Thanks for replying.

Now, there are both positive and negative sides to this.

For the negative, I'd like to tell that as you already know, different people have different levels of maturity. And we're at very different levels indeed. I mean I can't talk 'bout any of this to him 'cause he's not eager to listen or understand. Basically, he's a boy. And yeah it's for sure that I won't take any step further until and unless I've had the talk with him regarding everything I want to discuss 'cause I'm old School and I don't mind my ways. And I'm sure bout him too. Agreed that he doesn't talk but this doesn't mean that he won't understand when we do. After all I know him since very long and every person has different qualities. His wait is also an example to account for certain things.

But again as I said before, the major issue is regarding parents. They've given me everything before I'd even asked for it. They've done everything they could and more than I could ever imagine. This makes it more complex. It's not that having sex is something wrong. I very well know this. And so the thing which bothers me isn't that I'm doing something wrong. It's that I'd be doing something which is against their trust. Even though having sex isn't illogical at all and I won't be doing it without completely thinking bout it. This is what stereotypes do to those of us who think before they act. It's really sad.

And yeah, now the part regarding my parents won't approve of him. In the past, I once stood up for everything we had but the results were not good. This is mainly cause we are from different castes. I don't know why do they still believe in such things especially when they are open minded bout all the other things. This makes the fact that we both are well accomplished in our respective fields sound hollow. It ignores the most important thing, love. I'm a very restricted person in general. An introvert and a sociopath. So it took me a lot to build this relationship and I wasn't even looking for it. But that's how it happened. But the traditional thinking nullifies it all. The most important fact in any relationship is no matter the fights and issues, we still want to be there for each other. And we have this. It's beautiful. We hardly agree on anything, but we care bout each other and it shows. I can't imagine someone else in this position ever. The fact that one day I'll be told that I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life with a stranger is a nightmare indeed and thus, if we don't happen, I won't be into the idea of marriage at all cause trust me, I don't find it appealing at all.

And now back to sex, I clearly had decided in my mind that no matter what, I won't do it before marriage cause of parents. Yeah I know how illogical this is. But none of us knows what future holds and I feel I shouldn't stop myself from doing the things that'll make us both happy. After all that's a thing between me and him. We get this life once and we have every right to decide what's best for us. Thus, everything I do, I do it with the idea that whatever I'm doing is on Me and I don't want to have any regrets. Yes I know it gets more and more complicated but it's life and I don't expect everything to just happen itself.

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Thanks Mrinalini, for sharing your sincere thoughts.
In fact, we at LM acknowledge and support the right of women to their body, their sexuality and decision-making regarding their lives. Finally marriage (and sex) is a matter involving two individuals. Even the law of the land recognizes that - with caste and creed being no barriers today. Please browse Special Marriage Act, 1954, to get some grounding in reality.
If both of you, as consenting adults, feel strongly committed, I dont think anyone can or should stop such a union. In many, inter-caste marriages in India, families eventually come around in the larger interest of their off springs.
But as you have hinted in the first part, you have to discuss the whole issue with your BF first and take him along. Is he committed enough to go the whole distance with you - and the extra mile? Initial resistance can be tough enough for just one of you to handle or stand up to.
Also, please dont despair! Times are changing. There are social and legal organizations supporting women in such situations. Also, please dont stop communicating with your family. You never know when understanding might dawn on them. You may find some of these links helpful.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special_Marriage_Act,_1954
https://www.facebook.com/himmatngo (this ngo supports inter-caste marriages among other women's issues)

While initiating a dialogue with family, you may find some of these ideas helpful:
http://www.loveinindia.co.in/5-tips-to-handle-intercaste-relationships/

Check these real life testimonies too:
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/190514-need-help-convinci...

Lastly, please dont underestimate or under-use the power of communication. And smile often.

Best wishes!

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Thank you for all the help.

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Dear Mrinalini
Since this is a discussion board, we encourage "user to user" dialogue as well. There is another thread on "Inter-caste" theme. Would you care to offer your thoughts on that thread? It may help everyone - including yourself. Our contexts could be different, but being human we do have certain commonalities, which makes such communication both possible and beneficial. So, go ahead- and here is the link:
https://lovematters.in/en/forum/question/me-and-my-lovemate-love-each-ot...

Happy volunteering!

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Agr tum only is wjh se depressed ho ki after sex apne perents se guilt feel krogi about ur vrginity. Tbto u have a way, after sex agr perents ko tumhare marriage se prblms h to tum apna revrginity opration krwa skti ho... Is se u can enjy the pleasure of sex without any risk of lose... And try kro phle ki apne perents ko convence kro for ur marriage with him... Nothing is impossible bt its too difficult. I knw about these difficulties bcz main bhi middle class family se hu and main bhi kisi se pyar krta hu. Bt sex ke liye tumhe bhut jyada sochna pdega bcz agr tumhara marriage kisi or se hota h to wo prsn tumhari vrginty ko leke questions kr skta h or aftr marriage life m prblms hoskti h.... So first of all u have to think about ur family... So unhe convence kro apni or uski marriage ke liye.... And apni baate kisi mature and known prsn se share kro, jo tum dono ko janta ho or tumhari families ko bhi. He/she can help u really vry well...

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Dear madam,
Could you please help me in getting my love whom I love since year 2000 and met with her only last year?

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Navneet,

I'm not at all thinking bout marriage right now as it's too early for me. It's going to be another 4-5 years at least.
And I'm definitely not going to marry someone who creates issues regarding my virginity. I don't even like the concept of virginity. It's more hollow and illogical. I'm not concerned bout feeling guilty regarding my virginity. I'm concerned bout feeling guilty regarding doing something that my parents won't know.

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Perfect response, Mrinalini!

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Sudeep,

I read your thread and it's more confusing.

As far as the marriage part is concerned, I don't think I could provide any valuable advice as I myself am very young to think bout such a complex issue.

But regarding love, I can definitely speak up. If both of you really love each other, then you have to make a collective decision.

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If she's already asking you to move on again and again then maybe she's already given a lot more thought to it. Moving on is the hardest thing. I personally don't believe in moving on without putting all the efforts to make it work. I don't want to imagine myself 20 years from now, sitting and thinking, what if I could have tried better. That's going to ruin a lot more lives. But if you believe that you've done everything and it's still not working, I'd advice you to look at it again. Is she also willing to put the same efforts cause it takes two to build up any relation. If she has taken the final decision to start new, then there's nothing you can do bout it and maybe it's time for you to do the same.

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If she's already asking you to move on again and again then maybe she's already given a lot more thought to it. Moving on is the hardest thing. I personally don't believe in moving on without putting all the efforts to make it work. I don't want to imagine myself 20 years from now, sitting and thinking, what if I could have tried better. That's going to ruin a lot more lives. But if you believe that you've done everything and it's still not working, I'd advice you to look at it again. Is she also willing to put the same efforts cause it takes two to build up any relation. If she has taken the final decision to start new, then there's nothing you can do bout it and maybe it's time for you to do the same.

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No no no sister.....Our hearts dont want to move on....and in regard to our efforts, only one thing left from my side that I have to meet her parents and talk to them face to face....may be they are having my teenage image in their minds and they dont think that I have become a mature man now. But there is one concern in this effort....She is denying me to meet her parents as she is scared that her parents would insult me or my family.....also if I go and meet them may be they again scold her badly....

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She's always denying everything. I'm sorry but why can't she really try if she's really into all this with all her heart?

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From what you've told, she's really this frightened person. Yeah I don't really blame her for that cause I'm not in her position. Might be any factor, possibly upbringing. All the scolding she has received. But if she wants this to work out then she has to take the chance. Nothing will work unless she does.

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I dont know....as I live 800 Kms away from her.....but once I have heared that her parents are using some medications for her when she fainted after being scolded by her parents....one thing is very clear that her parents gave her a big humiliation by talking about her character....

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May be she does not have a single person in her family/friends who can support our relationship...

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Distance doesn't matter. And I'm saying this cause I hardly meet my guy either. Like once in two years. But still I know the important things. Hiding things won't do any good.

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You two will be together. Why do you need a third person to justify your relation? Aren't you both enough for each other?

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Yes we are.....but we dont want to elope....we want the blessings from our families...

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Nobody's asking you to elope. Not me. Not anyone else.

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Otherwise we could have married last year by eloping and this year we would have beautiful offsprings having beautiful eyes just like her's

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I think you live more in a fantasy world and she's in a different world.

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So for comvincing, we need a member from her family and it would be better if he she should be elder... I have discussed this matter from one of my colleague working in other firm who is of their caste....but how he can help us???? It is good enough as he is listening my pain.

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Hello Mrinalini and Sudeep,

It's great to see user engagement in the thread! Please do keep talking and sharing your view points.

However, do be careful as to not use any personal remarks. Have a look at the guidelines here:https://lovematters.in/en/forum/guidelines

Thank you!

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It's simple. If you want to make it happen, do everything you can. And this should be her attitude too. A single person doesn't form any relation. She might be scared or whatever but you have to forget all that if you think it's worth it. Give it everything. Fight for what's right. If still it doesn't work, then maybe you should accept the truth and do what's necessary.

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Thanks sister, you gave me encouragement....my didi is also saying me the same thing that she wont forget you as she knows her personally....

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Dear Aindrilla madam, sister Mrinalini has correctly judged me right that I really live in a fantasy world....it gives me immense pleasure that people talk in this forum openly and also with great intimacy.....this really gives rise to humanity which is current times demand....

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Dear Aindrilla madam, sister Mrinalini has correctly judged me right that I really live in a fantasy world....it gives me immense pleasure that people talk in this forum openly and also with great intimacy.....this really gives rise to humanity which is current times demand....

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making ur partner wait long for being intimate is quite tough task......akhir wo bhi insaan hai...enjoy ur privacy....... atleast for him....... thoda to zamane ko thenga dikhana padega else go n get an arrange marraige...... my words will be harsh but, think, making ur partner wait for long will create a bit problem..... all the best... :like: